Dealing with Negative People

Starting any kind of new venture can be stimulating, nerve-wracking, scary, exciting, daunting, overwhelming and many other adjectives that we may choose to apply, but the one thing that it’s not likely to be (particularly in the long-term) is easy.  For this reason, it’s always beneficial to have support from our families and friends.

Support can be in many forms, like being given the time and space necessary to learn what we need to know, encouragement to keep going when things aren’t progressing as well as we’d hoped, maybe a ‘sounding board’ for when we just need to let off some frustration, or someone to share our successes with when things are going well!

But unfortunately, support for our goals isn’t always forthcoming, especially in the early days.  In fact, quite often what we experience is the opposite.

How often have you been excited to embark on a new goal or project only to be discouraged by those you thought would share your excitement with you?  Unfortunately this experience is very common.  In fact, a lot of people seem to take delight in attempting to stop others pursuing their dreams and we have a whole array of words to describe these people: they are the Debbie-Downers, the Naysayers, the Pessimists, the Redlighters, and the Doubting Thomas(es)…

Sometimes their reactions can be hurtful, but before judging their response as an attempt to hold us back, let’s take a look at some of the reasons why they might react negatively to our plans.

They might think you will change

Some of your friends and family might have a subconscious fear that you might change, and if you change, you might not like them anymore, or they might not like you!  Well, it’s inevitable that if you continue to pursue your goals, you will change.  How could this possibly not be the case?  If you diet, you will lose weight, if you study, you will learn more, if you buy a house, your financial commitments will change, if you have a child, your time commitments will be different.  In other words, either you will have changed directly or you will be changed as a result of your changed circumstances.

In essence then, your friends’ fears are correct.  What is not accurate though is their perception that the change will have a negative impact on your relationship (it could, but that’s not the intention).  Try to understand this from your friends’ point of view and reassure them accordingly.

You might highlight their failings

Sometimes when we show up with all our plans for self-improvement, whether they’re physical, financial, educational or anything else, we might inadvertently hit a sensitive nerve in our friend.  Maybe it’s something they’ve wanted to do themselves for a very long time, but for some reason they have not been able to step up and take action.  So, by not only bringing up the subject, but also by sharing our plans, we unwittingly and innocently point out their failings!

Dealing with this situation will require that your friend is honest with you and maybe you can then work together and both achieve success.  If however your friend doesn’t open up to you, maybe just seeing you get into action will ultimately be enough to spur them on at a later date.

They worry about you

Maybe your friend has already tried to do what you intend to do, but, for whatever reason, they didn’t succeed.  Naturally, if this is the case, then it’s hardly surprising that they might try to dissuade you from your planned course of action.  However, as long as you understand each other’s point of view on the subject, this friend can be a huge help as their concerns could actually help inform your plans.  Make the most of this friend!

You’re failing to follow family expectations

This might be quite a difficult issue to side-step.  If there is a general family expectation that the (adult) children will become medics, dentists, actors, high-wire artists, follow their parents into the family business, work in the factory, have children or any other myriad of expectations, then battling against this expectation can be extremely difficult.

In a situation like this, many people yield to the will of the parents, in part because the expectation itself has already been hard-wired into the child’s consciousness.  Additionally, all preparations have already been put in place to ensure the chosen pathway is ready and waiting, through, for example, subject choices, resource availability, support (or lack of) etc.  So it becomes not only a case of standing up against the parental expectations, but also requires the need for personal self-knowledge in the face of indicators to the contrary.

They don’t believe in you

Maybe the person trying to influence you against your chosen activity doesn’t believe in your ability to follow through and succeed.  If this is the case, then other than proving them wrong, there’s very little point in trying to persuade them otherwise.  Your actions will definitely speak much louder than words in this instance!

They are ‘naturally’ pessimistic

Some people are just ‘naturally’ pessimistic.  Consequently they will always see the downside to anything which is outside their comfort zone or sphere of knowledge and experience.  You could attempt to persuade them that your plan is a good plan and that you believe in your ability to succeed, but don’t feel troubled if they still fail to support you.  As in the above example, let your actions prove your point.

These are just some of the reasons people fail to support our endeavours.  Unfortunately there will always be people who will try to discourage us from pursuing our dreams, no matter what they are, but hopefully, armed with the knowledge above, we will be in a better position to help them understand and accept the way we are planning our journey.

In any event, it’s very important to remember that we are our own person.  We cannot fulfil other people’s lives for them by living our life their way.  The only way to be true to others is to be true to ourselves, so don’t let the Debbie-Downers, the Naysayers, the Pessimists, the Redlighters, or the Doubting Thomases hold you back.  Stick with your plans, see them through and welcome success, then all the lack of enthusiasm will surely fade away!

This is a common theme for a lot of people, so I hope this post has helped to put a new perspective on any negative reactions you receive.  I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences of negative reactions to your goals – please leave a comment!

Photo: My Buffo