Are you a slave to your emotions, or are you cool, calm and collected in all situations? Do you react, or are you proactive? Does life happen to you, or do you happen to life?
I’m guessing that, like me, you probably fall somewhere between the two extremes of each of these instances, with different stimuli causing varying degrees of reaction, some of which you comfortably control and others raising reactions which can even cause you to be surprised.
The dictionary definition of emotion is (taken from Oxford Dictionairies):
- a strong feeling deriving from one’s circumstances, mood, or relationships with others
- instinctive or intuitive feeling as distinguished from reasoning or knowledge
The first definition I think we can probably accept without argument, although I find the second definition slightly more challenging as it suggests that we are victims of our emotions with limited capacity to control them, and that’s a notion that I find difficult to accept.
Sometime ago I seemed to come across different versions of the following quotes almost on a daily basis:
“Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but how we react to what happens..” Wade Boggs,
and this one from Mia Hamm:
“Failure happens all the time. It happens every day in practice. What makes you better is how you react to it.”
Having read these and a number of other similar quotes, I began to think carefully about my own reactions and how they were affecting the results I was seeing in my life. As I’ve mentioned in a previous blog post, Life Changing Words, it’s important to try something new if you’re not seeing the results you want and since I wasn’t happy in all areas of my life, this warranted a little introspection to see what could be changed.
It’s an exciting process to be ‘working on myself’. I’m quite fascinated, as an external observer, at some of the reactions I have!
Attempting to control, or at least minimise, my reactions to certain stimuli though can be quite difficult, but when I do succeed, it’s worth the effort. This attempt at emotional (or self) control has become a conscious endeavour to not allow negative (or sometimes positive) emotions to derail my efforts at achieving my goals.
When something or someone bothers me, my immediate response is still generally to react with the ‘appropriate’ emotion, but I’m learning to halt mid-emotion and tell myself not to let it stop me doing the important goal-achieving work I intended to do. And I’m getting much better at this.
When I first started this journey, my emotional reactions would override my rational responses and the ensuing mood would set in for the next few hours and the work wouldn’t get done. But now that’s not usually the case. Whilst the mood itself may still be hanging on to the periphery of my psyche, I force myself through the lethargy or malaise and just do the work. The upshot is that I feel much better afterwards!
And this really is the reason why we should attempt this attitude shift. Quite often, when we react negatively to a person or situation, we effectively absolve ourselves of the responsibility to control the outcome of the circumstances. By allowing our moods to take control we are duped into thinking that we are the victim and that others should make allowances for us or just put things right! Nothing could be further from the truth. In any situation, we are 100% responsible for our own reactions. Expecting that someone else will be able to make good on our behalf is risky at best, and at worst, allows the situation to perpetuate, leaving us with limited options for retraction.
On the other hand, by keeping our emotions level (it may be reasonable to be sad, angry, frustrated, or happy, within reason) and our reactions composed we will be much less likely to cause any longer term harm. Additionally, we will also be more likely to continue with our plans for that day without constantly feeling like giving up because of the emotional turmoil that surrounds us (if you’ve ever continued a disagreement in your head long after the other person has left, you’ll know what I mean!). Then, by pushing through our feelings and completing our planned tasks, we will feel much happier and in control.
Now I’m not suggesting for a moment that I have mastered the art of emotional control! No, sadly I am still very much a student. But, compared to where I was, there has been improvement. And really, that’s all I’m aiming for. I’m confident that by making small, consistent improvements in this area of my life I will see improvements in other areas of my life also.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this article! Taking some time for this kind of introspection is a valuable activity if it helps us to identify some of our weaker areas; we can then create strategies that help us manage ourselves better.
Do you have any suggestions or thoughts on this topic? Let us know by leaving a comment!
Photo: seabamirum
Hi Nicola,
This is a great topic, we are all guilty of letting our emotions get the better of us sometimes and it really takes a good awareness of yourself to even try to do otherwise.
I think many of us forget that in any given situation, we have a choice. A choice as to the actions we can take and how we ALLOW others to make us feel.
“Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but how we react to what happens..” Wade Boggs
These are some powerful words to live by.. I’ve often thought about this at times in my life when things were going less than stellar. I can sit around and feel sorry for myself and blame others or I can take action. I’m of the firm belief that even the smallest action is better than none at all – it’s the first step to making things better.
Hi Hermine, thanks for calling by 🙂 I agree that action is the best way out, even when we’ve allowed ourselves to react, taking action is the way forward. Accepting this and taking action isn’t usually easy, but making the effort reaps its own rewards. Thanks for your comment!
I’ve reached the same conclusion in the last few days. If only I’d reacted with humor instead of taking offence, it would be easier to move forward and get over the emotional entanglement. Thanks for this.
Thanks for your frankness Francene – I hope you can manage to dis-entangle yourself and move on to a more comfortable place. I’ve also taken offence when humour would’ve worked better, so I understand ;). Wishing you well!
This is exactly what I’m working on right now. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
It’s always a good feeling to write something relevant 🙂 Thanks for your comment Erin!
Lots of great stuff to think about here. I think as women and moms, this is particularly helpful. It’s a very emotional ride and we need to think about what we are projecting to others, our friends, our families and especially our kids. Thanks for a great post.
Thanks Angela. I’m fully on board with your comments, and resonate particularly with what we are projecting to our kids. I hope my kids have a balanced view of me as their younger mom, but it’s hard to tell, although they seem well-adjusted as teens/young adults!
Nicola, I feel like you’re inside my head. I could have written this post myself, nearly verbatim! I do find comfort in the fact that we are all works in progress, and part of the journey is developing new skills. There are times, especially when the emotional reaction has to do with another work-in-progress human, that I simply have to tell myself: “Accept, Acknowledge, Release”. In other words, accept my initial emotional response, acknowledge how I’m feeling and let it go. Good luck on your journey. The road may be rough, but the rewards are truly many!
Hi Sheri, thanks for your comment. I love the summary you use: ‘Accept, Acknowledge, Release’! I’ve had problems with all of these over the years and the ‘Release’ can still be tiresome!! A work in progress, then 😉
Nicola…excellent article! Definitely makes one think about demonstrating & emoting and acting & re-acting.
Hi Liz, thanks for your comment! I’m pleased you enjoyed the article and that it’s proved thought-provoking 🙂
This is an interesting & thought-provoking perspective Nicola, thank you. I have to add that I love all my emotions & believe that life can be messy and that includes having & experiencing messy emotions. I learned from a Guru that if I can practice the skill of watching rather than attempting to stop/derail or prevent an energetic event such as an emotional reaction then soon the energy simply dissolves. Resistance to it creates friction & friction creates more reaction & more resistance and so forth. There is a lot of peace in the practice of observation so now I treat all my emotions with reverence & respect because they teach me what it is that I need to look at more closely. For example, if I’m having a big internal reaction to someone in my life then I now know that they are there to bring out a behavior or thought pattern which no-longer serves me or my life’s purpose…It’s uncomfortable & no, I don’t always see the wisdom at first but with practice I do eventually see the greater lessons. My suggestion-embrace your emotions, they are filled with the grace one needs to go beyond them-they are the lesson & they contain the power to transcend the immediate situation no matter how uncomfortable it might be.
Hi Michelle, thanks for taking the time to respond!
I also like to observe my emotions and am quite fascinated by the effects they have on me. In the past I wouldn’t have done this – the emotion would have washed over me unchecked with no self-observation and certainly no lessons having been learned.
In time I came to realise that when I was in the grip of some emotions, I would let myself off the hook with my obligations simply because I couldn’t be bothered, or I felt angry or even just sorry for myself! It’s this kind of behaviour I’m now working to overcome. I don’t deny my emotions, but I do question their validity to call the shots as far as my work is concerned. I have some big goals and succumbing to boredom, irritability or lethargy (which was my former default setting) isn’t going to get things done!
There are a few areas of my life where I still seem to have less control and a few people have been unlucky enough to witness the aftermath. If they’re reading this, they’ll know who they are 😉 . However, since reading the The Chimp Paradox by Dr Steve Peters (an excellent book, btw), I now understand why this particular situation causes me such anguish, but I’ve yet to learn how or even whether I should control my outburst, so a work in progress, I guess.
Thanks for taking the time to respond so fully. It’s always interesting to hear another perspective. I love your transparency; it gives us all an insight into ourselves when others are open and honest. I’ll keep your suggestion in mind and keep looking for the lessons 🙂 Thanks Michelle!
I just had to reply Nicola. You are a great example of commitment to personal growth…& your blog is perfectly titled. I’ll check out that book, thank you;) I think of myself the exact same way-a work in progress, and while the ‘progress’ is the emphasis the ‘regression’ is also part of the process. Keep posting such authentic words…the world needs your kind of wisdom. xo
Thanks Michelle, I’m very grateful for your kind words 🙂