How To Choose Goals That Are Right For you
Have you ever sat down, pen in hand, blank sheet of paper in front of you with the intention of coming up with some goals for yourself only to find your mind goes blank?
Or, have lots of ideas come to you, but when you wrote them down, you just didn’t feel any real enthusiasm for them, or worse they felt so out of reach that you immediately rejected them as impossible?
Having a goal or many goals is about feeling some kind of dissatisfaction about where you are in life now. It’s about wanting change, even if you’re not sure what that change could look like.
Maturity is when you stop complaining and making excuses and start making changes.
Roy T. Bennett
It’s nigh on impossible to predict the future, but choosing goals is about taking a leap into this unknown land and placing a stake in that future ground anyway.
It’s about being honest enough with yourself to know that whilst your current situation might look acceptable to someone else, it doesn’t mean that you have to stay in that place.
This Is Your Stepping Off Point
Seeing your current situation as a stepping off point for future aspirations can and should be empowering, if a little scary, so that you are able to hold faith in yourself and a different future.
But what should this future look like and how can you choose goals that are right for you?
Let’s start with considering a few situations that would probably not give rise to the best choice of goals for you. I’m purposefully considering these situations, because for a lot of people, this is an easy trap to fall into.
How You End Up Choosing Goals That Are Not Right For You
Goals that are other people’s goals for you
One of the greatest regrets in life is being what others would want you to be, rather than being yourself.
Shannon L. Alder
Are you a people pleaser? If so, you might come up with a list of goals that you feel would please other people to have you do!
And let’s be honest here, no one is going to stop you from making their lives easier or better!
But will this really scratch that itch you feel to be more, have more and do more…for yourself?
There’s no harm in helping others out, but you must draw the line at self-sacrifice. In other words, if you’re always putting off the things that are important to you to make sure other people are ok you’re probably feeling a bit fed up, if not outright resentful.
You deserve to be, do and have the things that are important to you. You don’t need permission from anybody. Your life, your choices.
Your goals are just a to do list of ‘shoulds’ disguised as goals
This is another common problem. Maybe you feel that a good goal would be to clear that backlog of filing, shredding or general admin tasks. Or maybe, visiting family members more often would be a good goal. Or maybe it’s time to finally learn that new language to enhance your career prospects.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of these goals – unless you’re feeling obligated to do them out of misplaced guilt or personal responsibility.
Your goals are watered-down
Goals that are a watered-down version of what you really want will be difficult to maintain, simply because a part of you will be thinking ‘well what’s the point?’.
Fear can also play a big part in causing you to set goals that that are something less than what you really want.
You might want to run a marathon, but settle for a 5k fun run because you fear you won’t be able to achieve a marathon.
You might want to pay off all your debt, but settle on just clearing one credit card because you’re not sure you can stick to an aggressive and sustained attack on your debts just now.
Again, there’s nothing at all wrong with choosing a smaller version of your ultimate goal, after all, these could be milestones to the bigger goal. But, if you can’t muster the enthusiasm for the smaller goal or subconsciously think it’s not really worth it, then you’re unlikely to take the necessary actions.
In these circumstances it’s often better to go for the bigger goal at the outset because of the eagerness, urgency and momentum you’ll feel to get going! After all, even falling short is likely to end up being more than your original watered-down version of the goal!
So now you know what to avoid, how can you decide on the right goals for you?
Choosing The Right Goals For You
Knowing how to choose goals that are right for you is about tuning into your true feelings whilst creating a structure to help you capture your current reality against where you are now. You can then make informed choices that will help you decide on the best goals for you right now.
I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.
Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
I’ve written about this topic in the past and there is an easy technique to assessing where you feel you are in life know and what areas of your life would merit some changes. You can read the blog post Set Your Goals For Success.
I’ve also written a short kindle e-book on the subject Ignite Your Motivation, which talks you through how to set goals and takes you through the fictional story of George as he goes about choosing his goals and why.
Your Feelings Know What You Really Want (and don’t want!)
Let’s consider the feelings you are likely to experience as you go through the process of discovering your goals and how those feelings might help you choose the right goals for you now.
Desire
Desire – the feeling that you want something.
For a lot of us, wanting things just for ourselves can feel a little uncomfortable. It’s as if we’re being selfish or rebellious. If you’ve been brought up to always consider other peoples’ needs and wants first, you might have a hard time not only coming up with your desires, but also accepting that it’s ok for you to have these wants.
This is completely natural, however, it’s also important to look after yourself, and part of that process is accepting that you desire things too, and pursuing those desires is a positive part of your personal development and happiness.
Excitement and Enthusiasm
As you think about and write up some of your desires, you will also experience feelings of excitement and enthusiasm. These feelings are gold dust, because they are pointing you towards something that holds great importance and significance for you.
Be prepared to capture these thoughts are ideas immediately, without judgement, because…
Fear
On the back of feeling excited or enthused by a goal desire you’ve identified, you will very likely also experience fear at the thought of actually achieving that goal.
Again, this is natural, who wouldn’t be scared to step outside their comfort zone and try something different?
But the important thing to remember is that it’s only those who are willing to move beyond their comfort zone who make the real changes to their lives (achieve their goals). Those people feel that same fear too, but they’ve learned to recognise and accept it as part of the deal and so keep going. You can do that too.
Obligation or Guilt
As you work through creating a list of goals, some of them are going to feel like obligations. In your mind, when you think about them, the word “should” will be a big feature. These are goals that you feel you should do, rather than goals that you want to do. There is a huge difference and your gut feelings are telling you loud and clear to step away and find something else.
Boredom
And finally, whilst not being an obligation, there are some goals that would be nice to do, but, the thought of them completely turns you off.
This again, is another loud voice from your sub-conscious saying that a part of you isn’t going to buy into your plan and, in all likelihood, will actually undermine your efforts to take the goal forward.
Think of this as needing inordinate amounts of willpower to carry out the actions that will be needed. Do you have that much willpower? Most of us don’t!
In Conclusion – How To Choose Goals
Here are the summary points to consider when you are choosing goals that are right for you:
1. Use the method in this blog post if you’re not sure how to set goals or read my ebook on the subject.
2. Understand that other people’s expectations for and of you aren’t usually the best goals for you.
3. Don’t just create a list of ‘shoulds’ – it will not motivate you or make you happy.
4. Hold faith in yourself and your abilities. For the most part, none of us know how we will achieve our goals at the outset, but taking regular actions brings the ‘how’ into focus.
5. Use the feelings and emotions you experience as a guide but never be put off or swayed by fear.
6. Finally, don’t get overwhelmed with how to choose your goals – if it feels right to you, it probably is! Good luck!
What to do next…
> Read another post – How To Set BIG Goals!
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