Sometimes we play a game, it goes a bit like this:
One of us (family member or friend) moans or says something negative, or maybe a little unkind (or sometimes very unkind) or maybe just unnecessarily critical. The words we’ve uttered will have been unconscious, a habit even, but in any event, they will not have done anything to improve our day. In fact, they have the effect of reducing our own happiness.
So the game then becomes to counter these negative words and/or emotions by coming up with positive things to say about the thing we have just passed comment on. We must also at least match the number of positive things we say against the number of negative things we have said!
In some ways the game is silly, but it’s also a little bit of fun, especially if you really feel you have nothing good to say about a person or a situation. When this happens you really have to dig deep to find something positive to say which can result in some random thoughts!
Of course whilst this might sound like a trivial pastime, the effects have much benefit for us. Forcing us to see the good in people and situations effectively stops us from dwelling on the negative. It also helps us to appreciate that some situations aren’t as negative as we first perceived them. And at its best, this little game helps us to bring some humour and perspective to what could otherwise be a difficult situation to manage.
Quite often we allow ourselves to be drawn down into a negative spiral because it’s far easier to moan about people and situations rather than trying to do something about the situation or our feelings about the person concerned. This is understandable; after all doing something could involve stepping out of our comfort zones or maybe even confrontation.
But, in the words of Mahatma Gandhi…
Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony.
And I’m sure we would all agree with this, whilst also accepting that it’s actually very difficult to achieve. After all, how often have you found yourself in a situation where you feel you have been ill-treated in some way, but somehow felt disempowered and were unable to remedy the situation by putting ‘your side of the story’ forward.
There are many examples in life where this can happen, maybe it’s with people who you find intimidating or on the flipside you need to hold your silence in order not to create an even bigger problem. Or perhaps it’s issues at work causing you to feel devalued, or maybe someone just backed into your car in the car park and left without leaving a note.
Whatever the reason for your silence you may feel angry and frustrated at your inability to articulate appropriately the feelings and issues you’re dealing with.
But, in these situations, because we fail to do and say those things which we are thinking, we are no longer in harmony. The negativity we feel turns inward and basically makes us unhappy. We nurture and feed the ‘what if’ cycle that runs through our head, imagining situations where we can put things right (according to our perception) and gain the upper hand. But would that really help? Would an emotionalised outburst improve the situation or would things deteriorate further?
Of course, I agree that where possible, we should address those situations which are causing us pain or discontentment, and preferably in a way that brings about a resolution which is acceptable to all concerned. But where this just isn’t possible, for our own sake we must work on ourselves in order to bring our psyche back into harmony.
Learning to accept and move on from a frustrating situation which, for whatever reason we cannot improve, is a skill we should all foster. In doing so, we are learning to live not only with dignity but also with a greater calmness. After all, no one really enjoys listening to the endless moans of others. We all have our own challenges to deal with and whilst the kind and listening ear of a friend is welcomed, reliving the thing that causes us pain over and over embeds the negativity deeper into our minds.
In the end, no matter how wronged we may feel about a person or event, we cannot change other people. However, we can change ourselves and we can change our perception of events to make it more palatable for ourselves.
In a small way, this is what the game is all about. By playing the game, we actively work at moving our negative ideas and perceptions towards a more positive place. In doing so, we are far more likely to be able to see and perhaps accept that there is ‘more than one side to the story’. Failing that though, it will at least offer a little bit of fun!
Over to you – what do you think? Does taking a more positive view of difficult situations or people feel calming or does it invoke more negative feelings?
Photo: Sourabh Massey
Nicola, great post! It can be very easy (& become a poor habit) to get sucked into the rabbit hole of negativity. I have found that most things are not as bad as they seem and there is often a positive that can/will come out of it. By focusing on more positive aspects of life/people/situations, life is much calmer, joy-filled, and peaceful (at least for me!).
That’s a great perspective and very timely for me. I’m vacillating between staying and moving away from a relationship I’ve had with someone dear to me for a while but it’s hard for me to let go of that person when I see potential in them to be so much more positive and happy. Seems like the universe is sending me signals!
Wow! What a great way to think about life. How to turn negatives into positives, and at the same time help you feel good about yourself.
Parenting can be tricky sometimes – but it is always best to focus on, and count the positives rather than the negatives.
Thanks Michelle!
I agree about parenting! Children are so adept at tuning into and manipulating our emotions, as well as using up all of our energy! Keeping a positive mind whenever possible is always a bonus!
Great post Nicola!
I often find that there are two types of negative person who affect me. One is the occasionally negative person. By that I mean the person who isn’t generally negative, but who may have had a bad day at work, or who has missed the train home and got soaking wet into the bargain. The other type is the compulsively negative person. You know the type: the “downers”, the one who is always critical of everything you do or say. They are not happy within themselves, so they make damn sure they try to make you unhappy too!
There is a simple solution to the later type of person. You dump them! You really don’t need this type of person in your life. You don’t deserve it!
It is much harder to deal with the first type, however, as these are generally the people closest to you. The only way I find to deal with this type of person is to emotionally withdraw from them for that short time. I put myself in a bubble of positivity and protection with an affirmation that I will not let “this person” drag me down or drain me of my positive energy.
Thanks Ian, glad you liked the post!
I love the idea of having a protective bubble! It sounds like a powerful idea as it still allows you to be happy/calm/rational once the negativity has passed rather than having become part of the negative energy. Something I need to learn, I think!
And sometimes, part of the process is to walk away from those who just want to be miserable, send them loving thoughts and move on with our own lives. As you said, we cannot change other people, and there are times when someone’s desire to remain in a negatively charged space is not conducive to our own harmony.
Thanks Sheri, so true. If only they could see all the joy they’re missing out on..sigh… but as you say, sometimes we jus need to move on.